Be Careful What You Wish for

So many things to do, so little time to actually do it. I am sprawled on my bed, along with my dictionary fiddling with my pen, deep in thought. Throughout that thousands of seconds I spent writing this essay, I often scrambled through the dictionary or Googled for words that would come in handy, composing this essay by scribbling word after word that was unreadable to everyone except myself.

As my eyes darted to the untouched Chemistry homework due in two days, I rummaged through the strands of information that meandered at the back of my mind, in the hope of finding the answers to the questions regarding the practicality of what I was doing; why am I even writing this essay when I had other plans for today, like revising Chapter 2 of History. Sighing, I dropped my Carrera pen and clutched my iPod Nano--which I believed would be the antidote to my chagrin. Then, I stuffed my earphones into my ears willing my fingers to trace the song that I desperately needed at that moment--Time by Hans Zimmer.

I was immediately taken in by the mellifluous song, the tender flow dictating my muscles to relax, the abstract beauty of it sinking my mind into a trance. Completely oblivious to the sounds of the outside world, I stared blankly at the four alphabets displayed on the screen- T I M E. Time. That was when realisation dawned on me. It’s strange how time, woven into our daily lives, casts a huge significance in every molecule of our being. It shows us no benignancy as it numbers our days, thus forcing us to endure the dull prospects of limitations, practicality and also the inability to maximise diversity and perfection at the same time.

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If only I could FEEL like I was divorced from time, savouring one moment to another, without having regrets or ‘I could have’ moments. For instance, if only I felt time held no sway over me, could I have kick-started my day with those Manchester United matches in the wee hours of certain mornings without wailing about the lack of sleep? Or I could have aroused my book-worm taste buds by dwelling on that stack of untouched storybooks which I purchased during the Big Bad Wolf Book Sale last year. Brushing the zig-zag thoughts off my mind, I flipped my iPod and gazed at the words engraved at the back of it-Live in Limbo!

My mind propelled me to the thought of what that line meant to me. Limbo, as depicted in the movie Inception, is an unconstructed dream space of raw infinite subconscious which is more real than reality itself. Every second in Limbo would feel like an eternity, when in contrary, every second actually passes by with blinding speed. And when I meant Live in limbo, I was referring to it as a reminder to enjoy life and FEEL like I am in Limbo... To FEEL that time really does crawl so that I can revel in the assumption that time would always be by my side like my Best Friend Forever, even when it is not.

Right now, if I really was in Limbo, I wouldn’t be fretting or whining about time constraints. How I deeply wish that Limbo would be my reality. In that instant, I was transported into a seemingly endless and vast expanse of blankness, similar to that of being in an isolation tank. I knew where I was; Limbo. It was now my world, my reality. I had the power to create, filling my world with elements ranging from trees to buildings; imagination was the only tool I needed. I was even capable of creating a personal aeroplane but what I wanted at that very moment was to FEEL like I had control over time.

In a split second, I had become someone who was born with an ‘imaginary silver clock’… The words ‘silver clock’ symbolising time that passes by unhurriedly, the word ‘imaginary’ referring to the fact that I only FEEL the seconds crawling pass and so it is only part of my imagination that time is not running out. I wasted no time in engineering my world copying and pasting flashes of my memories into my surreal world. My subconscious mind, on the other hand, automatically filled up my world with projections of people I knew and never knew.

My life went on as usual- going to school, attending drama practices, going for tuition, Face booking…But the difference was the pinch of conjury in it; that of the fact that I didn’t FEEL distressed, that I somehow held the key for doing anything I wanted as I felt time siding with me. I saw myself achieving goal after goal, consigned from oblivion that none of it was real; that I was in Limbo, and it was all part of my imagination. The youth in me got sucked out as every second passed- Until I got older and older and at the age of 28, I actually ran out of goals.

I had a career, a house, a car that anyone would have dreamed of; all of it due to the grace of time being on my side. What else did I want after feeling like I had what I wanted and it seemed like an eternity had just whipped by? I wanted nothing any more. That was when my mind reeled into aimlessness, boredom, disheartenment. I had nothing else to do. However, even if I did, I would always feel time creeping by me, past me and somehow I would always achieve my goals, even if it was a mile apart from me. It was my world after all.

I was bewitched by a spell on my mind indicating that time, for me would be like a space probe plummeting into the depths of the universe. As my mind free-fell into thought, questioning my well-being… I remembered. The memory came in thick and fast, like someone flipping through the pages of a diary as one image popped out after another vividly in my mind; That essay, that sixteen year old girl who had so many things to do. Where did all of that go? Stark reality hit me like a 10.0 magnitude earthquake; I carried memories of twelve unreal years, I had grown older in my own imagination.

After that, I would have to battle a poison called aimlessness for the rest of my life. That was only because I wanted to FEEL that time passed by slowly. Now I bemoaned wishing Limbo was my reality. The fear that gripped me; visceral, primal. The violent tremor on my shoulders jolted my eyes open. It was my mum. I was sixteen and young. Only ten minutes had passed by since I was in Limbo. I would never wish that Limbo was my reality--the promise to FEEL that time was on my side was an impossible cross to bear. Next time, I will be careful what I wish for because it might be a poison that I would not be able to deal with.

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