Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form (Your marked-up essay is below this form. ) HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper! *Strengths of the essay: Hello Angelia, and welcome! This is Nicole V. , and I will be your tutor for this essay. You have a very interesting topic about curfews.
I noticed that you started off your essay by directly presenting the subject at hand: Curfews do not help keep teenagers out of trouble. They tend to still do what they want. A curfew can sometimes be a disadvantage if the teenager is running behind or late, it can put pressure on them. Through this, your readers will know right away what your essay is about. Good job! Now, let’s move on to your revisions. Main Idea/Thesis: Angelia, let’s work on improving your thesis statement first. A main idea or thesis statement is the point you are trying to make in your essay.
This should always be present because your main idea will serve as the topic in which you will write about. You wrote: This does not stop them from doing things they are not supposed to do. They just speed up and do it or make hash decisions under pressure from peers. You were not able to present a clear thesis, Angelia. Remember that you are writing an argumentative essay. Therefore, your thesis statement should present a strong position in an issue and defend that argument with reasons.
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For example: “Minors should not be allowed to drink liquor until they are 18 [argument] because (reason 1), (reason 2) and (reason 3) [supporting points]. ” You’ll notice that in the first part of the thesis statement, I presented a clear argument and afterwards provided supporting points, or reasons, why I stand by this argument. Therefore, what is your argument in this issue of giving teenagers a curfew? What is the message you are trying to get across to your readers? How can you defend your position on the matter?
Devising a clear thesis will help your readers understand the purpose and the main idea of your essay, Angelia. To help you with this, you can refer to this lesson in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook on Thesis Development. Organization: Angelia, organization is important because this is where you arrange the flow of your ideas. If your organization is good, this allows the readers to understand your essay better. The outline is based on how you presented your thesis statement, Angelia.
However, because you were not able to present a clear argument, you were not able to defend your reasons for argument well through proper organization. Now, for example, based on the thesis I presented above: “Minors should not be allowed to drink liquor until they are 18 because (reason 1), (reason 2) and (reason 3). ” Therefore, Angelia, the body paragraphs should be arranged in such a way that I can discuss each discussion point, as presented in my thesis statement, separately: I.
Introduction II. Reason 1 III. Reason 2 IV. Reason 3 V. Conclusion Providing an outline will help you write your paragraphs in line with your general topic, and allotting one paragraph to discuss each point will allow you to write your answers with concentration. Now, based on the example given, how can you apply this process of forming an outline to your essay, based on your own thesis? To help you with this, you can refer to this lesson in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook on Arguing a Position. Angelia 5443747 has requested that you respond to the Transitions: Angelia, one way to establish a good flow of ideas in your essay is to use transition words. Transition words are like devices that link ideas and sentences to establish a connection. For example, instead of saying “I don’t like Chinese food. I like Japanese. ” you can say: “I don’t like Chinese food. However, I like Japanese. ” Doesn’t that sound much better? For example, you may use a transition device to transition to this paragraph: Curfews are made to ensure the whereabouts of the child.
They are made for their protection. Curfews can help keep them safe and also save their life. It will keep them off the streets at all hours of the night. They will help you grow up with values and respect that will take you a long way in life. Here are a few transition words and phrases that might be helpful to improve your transitions: * When showing additional ideas: and, also, in addition, furthermore * When giving examples: for example, for instance, specifically * When comparing: also, likewise, similarly When contrasting: however, on the other hand, yet, although * When summarizing or concluding: therefore, in other words * When showing the time: after, before, during, next, finally, meanwhile, immediately * When showing the place or direction: above, below, nearby, close, far, left, right * When indicating logical relationships: therefore, consequently, as a result, thus, since, because Based on these sample transition words I gave, how can you now apply these to improve your essay? You can use these to transition from one idea to another, as well as between paragraphs.
Use it wisely; good luck, Angelia! *Angelia 5443747 has requested that you respond to the Word Choice: Angelia, I will skip commenting on this area first because right now, there are more important areas you need to focus on. When you’ve worked on those, you can resubmit your essay to us at Smarthinking and we’ll gladly help you with the rest. Summary of Next Steps: Our session ends here, Angelia. To make sure you make the best out of your paper, here is a recap of things you need to work on: * Develop an argumentative thesis statement. * Organize your essay based on the supporting points of your argument. Improve your sentence/paragraph transitions with the use of transition devices. I hope my suggestions serve you well in your revision. Don’t hesitate to send us your essays and revisions as we are always glad to be of help. All the best! ~Nicole V. Find additional resources in Smarthinking's online library: You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking's student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook or the Smarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook. ************************************************************************ Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking. We encourage you to submit future essays. *************************************************************************Angelia Nash Professor Smith Eng1123 003 07 Jan 2013 DO CURFEWS KEEP TEENS OUT OF TROUBLE Curfews do not help keep teenagers out of trouble. They tend to still do what they want. A curfew can sometimes be a disadvantage if the teenager is running behind or late, it can put pressure on them.
This does not stop them from doing things they are not supposed to do. They just speed up and do it or make hash decisions under pressure from peers. [Don’t forget to present your thesis, Angelia. The thesis is important as it presents your argument and the key points in which you will defend it. ] Teenagers with curfews still smoke, drink, skip school and have unprotected sex. On the other hand some parents believe in curfews because it will cut down on the trouble they can get into if they are home by the curfew time. Curfews do not decrease crime.
Most of the crimes that are committed are done when they break curfew. The purpose of curfews is to keep them safe and at home by a decent time. Teenagers that do not have a certain time to be home have a lot more freedom and fun than should be allowed by parents. It is not a wise decision for a teenager to go and come as they please. They have no responsibility or work ethnics and nothing to strive for. They have no boundaries set for them, which is needed, nor learning how to be productive adults. If a teen gets to do as they please, the role of the adult is played by the teen not the parent. You used the comma properly to present the introductory element in this sentence, Angelia. Observing proper punctuation helps enhance the readability of your paper. Keep it up. ] They will in the end become very disrespectful because they have not been taught. They will not be used to authority from the so called parent. Curfews are made to ensure the whereabouts of the child. They are made for their protection. Curfews can help keep them safe and also save their life. It will keep them off the streets at all hours of the night. They will help you grow up with alues and respect that will take you a long way in life. A curfew is a vital part of a teenager growing up with morals. They need to be able to get eight hours of sleep at night. This will not happen if they do not have a cutoff point. A lack of sleep leads to bad grades, horrible attitudes, slacking on activities and disrespectful towards those in the authority to tell the child what to do. [You can develop your conclusion further, Angelia. The conclusion is a chance for you to recap the important points of your essay. Your thesis statement should also be reinforced here, to effectively wrap your discussion up. ]
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