Having to realize that not everyone means what they say Is a hard Idea to fathom when you're someone who means everything they say. This past summer I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me. To me this was the hardest news to swallow, to think the person you trusted with everything, who was your backbone and your shelter In midst of the storm was not only thinking about you and saying, "l love you" to only you but to someone else as well.
Instantly my world turned upside down, I ad to face the reality of the news I had found out. He apologized of course and in the end decided that I was the best choice for him, he wanted to make things work and go forward in our relationship, but how do you begin to trust again? Where do you start? Is he sincere this time? So many questions running through my head so much hurt and pain still. From then on I have guarded my heart like the jewel it is and protected it from anyone's harm. This situation elicited the most change on me because never will I ever love the same.
I take my life day by day now, planning a future with someone Is so cliche© too me. Had to realize that forever really is not forever and that relationships are day by day, anything could happen tomorrow. People change every day, they meet new faces all the time I feel as if someone finds a person who fits your spot in there life and who plays the role better will become your replacement and you will become nothing but a memory, to some people what means everything to them today can, become nothing to them tomorrow and that's just how some people are.
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Reminiscing on the days when I thought people waited till they were 21 to drink. Couples waited until they were married to have sex, people didn't do drugs. I thought you would always end up marrying your soul mate, I thought your friends were your friends and they would never leave your side, that everyone you said "I love you" too would say it back, and that your love story will end up like the movies. It's Just crazy how you grow up with all this love and hope in your heart and then you're thrown into what you think Is a twisted. KC and cold world but It's actually Just life and you Just have to live It. In my head I tell myself I'm still the same person I was a year ago but in all reality I'm not. This situation caused me to become more sensitive and more protective of myself more than anything. Never did I realize that a person could cause so much Inner pain and there was no cure, no David or Misspoken can fix this boo boo, but too face the reality of it all, and over time hoping to get better. My approach is sterner in dealing with certain situations, I feel as if people take me serious that they will know
I'm not the type to mess around with and will not play games. I quickly closed my heart and right now thinking about forever with someone Is Just put on the backbencher for now. Trusting someone has never been so hard until now. You never know what's going through the other persons mind and there honest intentions with 1 OFF be more to myself and not trust anybody but God. I Just play the role, and Just make it seem as if I'm okay but deep down inside I'm hurting everyday and I always ask myself what did I do wrong to make him want to cheat? Does he really love me?
Does he deserve this second chance? It's eating at me all the time and I Just want the truth but no one seems to know the answer. That to me is what is affecting me the most. That causes me to zone out, get distracted, cry at night, ignore and push away anybody who tries to get to know me. I'm not sure how long will I be hurt or when I will find closure to my situation but it this has had the biggest impact on me this summer. The scariest thing about loyalty is that everyone has their own definition of it. When I thought of my boyfriend I thought he was the most loyal of them all.
I thought he would be different from the rest and that he could prove to me that all guys were not the same. When he said he loved me I believed it, when he said he had my back I believed it, when he said he was loyal to me and only me I believed it but when all these emotions that I thought were so pure turned out to have flaws. I had begun to think maybe he was not lying and that he was exhibiting his own definition of love, compassion and loyalty or maybe he had been hurt before and his heart is guarded ND never realized instead of being the heartbroken became the heartbreak.
Then I try to analyze the situation like I do all situations but still till this day I cannot come up to a conclusion as to why... He would do that and maybe I will never know the real reason or never will I know the whole truth but for now I have to face the reality of it and in hopes to move on and be able to love again someday. The reality of it all is that not everybody means what they say, everyone has their own definition of love and that forever does not exist in this love story.
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