My Life Story as a Single Parent

This is the story of how I became a single parent and I dealt with my child’s other ‘parent’ disowning my baby. Sounds like it could never happen right? How could anyone not want this beautiful, innocent, bundle of joy? Well, sadly, it happens. To C and me it has happen twice!
I used to be married to a woman (let’s call her L) who decided to have a baby with me. We had been together for 5 years and married for one. We thought it was time to take the next step in our lives and have children. When things got too hard for her through the pregnancy she tucked tail and ran. The woman who was supposed to be my baby’s other mother took off. How was I supposed to handle that? The realization that someone doesn’t want my baby, after telling me they do, is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure.

When L left I went back to my sperm donor, he was my best friend before everything happened (let’s call him G) and asked if he would like to be part of C’s life, to be her daddy if he wanted. I didn’t expect anything because he was just a donor. We had a contract excluding him from C’s life (as per L’s request). It turned out he wanted to be part of C’s life! He wanted to be her daddy! We did pictures, announced it to the world, and everything was hunky dory. Well... As time went on things got hard and G took off too.

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Now there were 2 people who were supposed to be in C’s life as her parents that have disowned her and never talked to me again or asked about C. It tore me open inside. Question after question spiraled in my head. How am I supposed to tell C what happen? How am I going to explain to her that the people who were supposed to be her parents want nothing to do with her because of me? This is all my fault, how will my baby love me? How can someone not want my baby..? She is just an innocent! These among others hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized then, my daughter doesn’t need to know any of that! All my baby needs to know is she was created out of love (believe it or not, before everything happened, I had a fairytale life) and I am her mother. I am determined to raise her, love her and be all I can for her. All she has to know is mommy has a past but nothing that happened there is her fault. That she is loved and wanted by me and her family.

People ask me now how I got to that point. Well IA LOT of angry writing and a GREAT support system got me to accept the fact I was the sole provider of my daughter. I would search Google and Pinterest for everything under the sun. I ended up finding a lot of things about being a strong single mother but nothing that really helped except writing and time.

I wrote A LOT. A lot of letters to L and G in anger and never sent them. I spent about 4 nights pouring every single angry word I had for them out on paper. I wrote in CAPS and with as many curse words I could think of. I wrote anything and everything that came to mind even if it came over in circles. I wrote pure unadulterated hatred in my notebook for those two people who let me and my baby down. I would do it at night because the flood of emotions that strong would ruin my day if I did it in the morning. I focused only on my anger until I have nothing left to say in anger. Once I wrote every single hate filled word out in those I was done being angry and I got sad. Really, REALLY sad. So I did the whole process over again, but this time with sadness.

My anger filled notebook was filled with harsh pen marks and then tears... Everything I could think of about L and G ended up in that book. There were times I was so sad I took my pen and beat my notebook or scribbled so hard and fast I ripped a page (or two). I cried so hard my words on the page blurred. Again, it took me about 4 nights to get it all out. Pages and pages filled of angry, hateful, sorrow filled, words and all 1 wanted to do was send it to them! I had to fight, fight, fight, that urge. I did and it paid off.

Once 1 was done being angry and sad and exhausted ( apparently that happens when emotion over loads) in that note book I found it in myself to be grateful to L and G. It if weren’t for them I wouldn’t have my daughter or the strength I ended up having because of them. As much as I hate to admit that, it’s the truth.

Not only did I have that notebook, I had my mother telling me my baby needs me, I can’t go to jail. (L and G were running my name through the dirt this whole time). The support from my mom telling me my feelings were valid helped me move forward. Her telling me it’s up to me to be everything that baby girl needs and that I am enough for her as long as I give my all to her. That notebook, my family, and my baby girls innocent face, were how I handled and came to accept that people didn’t want my baby, and I moved forward with C and we couldn’t be happier.

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