A Personal Narrative About Mother’s Illness Leading to Suicidal Thoughts

This all started in April 2011, the month I became suicidal. The month my mom got diagnosed with Stage 4 Stomach cancer. The minute I walked in the hospital room where my mom was laying, her eyes were burning red, and she struggled to smile, I knew then something was very wrong. Family from out of town was there, their eyes streaming of tears. I looked at Paige with a puzzled face, not knowing what going on. Mom screamed "My baby!" She hasn't seen me for 2 weeks, yet I show up on Easter morning with everyone staring at me like I was a lost, clueless wondering dog.

I NEVER forgot, Mom sat me down on side of the bed, her eyes started streaming of tears, and her first words were "Leeny Butt, I love you." I just KNEW she was softening me up for something; I turned my head and told her "Mom tell me, something wrong I KNOW IT." She looked down, grabbed my hand, crying even harder, "Baby, momma has Stage 4 Cancer, they found it this morning, it's a hiding cancer, which is the reason why they never could find it before." I let go of her hand and fell to my knees on the bed and screamed and cried "NO, NO they got the wrong person. You can't have this! You can't be taken away from me, I'm 13! Its not fair I need you!"

My head fell to her chest; I just gave out for the first time ever in my life. Only word my mom could say was "I'm not leaving you I PROMISE." My eyes were burning like a fire of Hell I couldn't breathe; I just couldn't accept the true fact! Mom grabbed me and said "Baby baby look me in my eyes." She slowly wiped away my tears, with my eyes still stinging like a dozen of huge wasp has just attacked my eyes. I glance, caught her big sparking brown eye then I just jerked away catching the sight of my big sister. She ran to me, grabbing me, telling me things are just fine. We both looked at my mom for the first time since she told us.

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"Oh look at my babies" she said, "I'm going to fight this for ya'll, I'm nowhere close to leaving ya'll, I love ya'll to much to give up on you guys." I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed Paige and told her I needed to leave. I didn't have a choice. It killed me to leave my mother laying in bed, crying.

I got home I threw all my stuff down on my bed, slammed my door and just sat on my bed crying and crying. I felt alone, I knew this was coming with a price to pay, I could picture my mom fading away from me, its like I knew she was leaving soon. School was the next day and I had all these testes given from left to right. I was going over my head, I knew when I left in the morning I would never know if im gonna come home to a mom or not. The stress went over my head and I wanted to break loose. No one understood! I was trapped!

One day, I had enough! I ran to my room, crying my eyes out, fell on my knees, taking this knife staring at it for a while. Im sitting there thinking, well knowing the price I have to pay for this. I took the sharp knife and touched it to my soft white skin, started daggering. Sitting there crying looking at my bright red blood flow out of my arm somehow made it feel better. I swore that was the only time I was gonna do it. I SWORE! But I didn't keep it.. later it became an addiction, my arms were full with red marks. I would wear jacket allday and all night. Mom didn't worry because she used to me wearing jackets like that. One day, my arm was killing me. The pain became unbearable! It got my mind off of stuff I didn't want it on but I knew something was wrong.

That night, I braved up. Put the knife away, trying to break free! I never did, the more the pain suffer through the day the more I gave up, the more I cut. Finally, I knew I had to do something about it. I called up my older sister, crying telling her "Jennii! I did something I regret! I cut myself and its AWFUL I couldn't take anything on my back anymore! Im sorry! It felt like the only way for me to break free!" the other line was quiet "Jenni?" I said. Then I could hear a soft cry she said "Baby, I know its hard but this cutting not going to do any good! How bad is it?" "its bad"

I said. "you relize I do have to tell momma about this right baby girl" she said "NO! NO! You cant! Please! It kill her!" I yelled. In a soft voice she said "Im sorry baby but I have to" I hung up the phone threw it down started to cry! The next morning mom had those teary eyes, I looked at her and the first word that came out of my mouth was "Im sorry mommy and I love you." She made me show her my arm, I seen that I hurt her so much. She kept asking "why" I told her everything. She promised to help me.

That week, she got me help. I went for 2 weeks. Now I know that cutting isn't worth anything. I realized what I didn't before. I could have taken my life away! That would have killed my mom. Now I know everything's fine. She the world to me and I love her and I would NEVER hurt her like that again.

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