The Struggle of School and Self-Identity

I wake with a constant mix of white noise acoustic guitar and the tortured lyrics of two broken men. This noise bleeds in through my ears. Why? Without it would I even know if I was awake? After the humdrum morning routine, philosophical conversation with Clo on the way to the bus stop and the inevitable journey on wonderful public transport I arrive at school. School this eternal lapse between comfort zones and paranoia. Comfort zones the lessons and places I'm comfortable in where I can really be me. Like drama selling line after line.

I stretch the truth like a crooked sales man lie like a cheap Italian watch, showing all my emotions by portraying others. Some thing that is now so natural like I was born with it like the ability to breath. Paranoia, looking over my back makes me feel weak like a one armed boxer throwing punch after punch, after punch I'm so tired I give in I' m surprised when they duck. Sometimes I get so tired of getting out of bed but who would want to die like a cowardly little child? The doctors tell me there is nothing wrong with me so why do I get so full of anger, regret, and hatred? I got a trigger inside!

Who doesn't know how to pull it? In the last year school has become easier but only slightly. The new found ease is all down the beautiful and profound idea of "options" being able to leave dull subjects behind in search of ones more to your interests making my life easier and the whole year generally happier. I'm not saying after options it all becomes perfect over night because schools still have the same problems as before the ones that schools pretend aren't there. But as we all know the future is more important than the present and my future will be a very bright and shinny one in fact my future will be orange.

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I see one supposed upside to school seeing my friends and my actual friends. There are some people who I really like and others I have nil time or respect for but I play politics. Who needs enemies? My real friends are the ones I know I can trust, the ones that I conclude to make school worth attending. The rest of the people I am seen with at school are all sort of bellow my level sort of unaware of the wonderful world we live in and all its great events that are there to bring peace love and enjoyment to our day.

Don't get me wrong most of them are wonderful people but pay some attention the world does not revolve around your friends and your love life. My dream in life is to be a business man, actor, film maker, and comedian. Comedy is some thing that seems to come very naturally to me I love to make others laugh. I have always had a very mature sense of humor I am very into satire and those sketches with ridiculous but some how believable situations. I like my entertainment to be of quality but to also have a message. When people ask what I want to be I always tell them I want to be an international man of mystery.

The only person who really knows what I'm talking about is me. I want to be an entertainer but that is all I want to be I don't want the following or the paps outside my door when I go to collect my milk or if I have left something in the car. I guess what I'm trying to get is simply this, I want to entertain people weather that be with business and product or film, comedy or television I also want the fortune ( a man needs to eat) the notoriety but not to be a brand. Do I ask for to much? Can I do it? Have I got it in me? I hope so.

I would I have to admit that I do actually quite enjoy school but I also like the occasional sneaky day off with a "head ache". The subjects I enjoy tend to be the ones were you get free reign over what you do like English no one tells you how much to write or how or what. I also like my computer based subjects I. C. T and digital applications I also enjoy science but not as much as I used to there's me thinking it would get better in year 10. But no! Were doing reports. Not good. But no matter how much I enjoy school I enjoy after school ten times more being allowed to take one hour in walking one mile that feels like a gift to me.

Being able to just collapse and eat sleep and eat and watch the endless black hole of programmes made by and for severely brainless people on television. Go on my laptop, download applications that I don't actually need, music that I won't listen to unless iTunes shuffles to it, films I wont watch and television programmes that I want to watch when "I" want to. Although I take pleasure in my times after school with freedom, Saturday is the most important day of the week the ultimate day of freedom no bed times no rules eat what I like do what I like go where I like with who I want to do it with no obligation to see anyone.

At the moment most of my weekends are spent with my wonderful girlfriend and vision of beautiful perfection April. She's the kind of girl makes life worth living its fun what ever we do as long as were together Some times I just look into her eyes and I know I'm happy well more like contented no desire to move or do anything else than to just look into her eyes . Our time together is more precious than diamonds or gold it is invaluable to me. Some times I pinch my self just to make sure its not dream.

When I first met April I was in town with a friend I only went because I was told that I was to meet a girl. When I arrived outside McDonalds to meet my friend Heather who was the only one of this random constructed group I had ever laid eyes on before that. Sure I had spoken to April online but never seen her in the flesh and who where the others witch part of obscurity where they plucked from? and then I saw April she looked simply irresistible like a Hollywood beauty queen of old but like all Hollywood queens she had her entourage featuring her two best friends one either side her.

Heather introduced us I said Hey and waved at her. She almost did exactly the same but after the wave came a smile that melted my heart that moment triggered shy mode: my hand snapped straight into the pockets of my jeans, my shoulders tensed I dared not do or say anything. 30 minutes, a solo trip to virgin and the stalking of two business men past the orange phone shop had passed before she spoke to me. She moved several paces away from her protection that eased me slightly so I took my hand out of my right pocket and lent it on her shoulder and said "so how are you?

Then something trivial occurred witch distracted everyone so she cut short answer, then a scruffy looking unemployed man I know that much about him because who else where's camouflage jackets and buys a big Mac for breakfast? Looked straight at me then said something. At that point I took my arm off of her shoulder looked into her eyes and said confidently like it was a perfectly normal activity, April lets follow Him! We walked briskly behind him so that he noticed just to make a point.

After finally thinking I could be alone with her and get know her better but alas cut short was our time alone as there was noise and a voice behind us as half her entourage caught up. But that didn't matter because at that point she took my and she has never let go. My usual Saturday activity is going into town spending my parent's money on food and junk that I don't actually want or need. This is called shopping or giving into to money grabbing organizations when I could be saving this money and putting it towards something practical mainly an item of consumer electronics some thing I have a big affiliation with.

People who enjoy consumer electronics as much as I do are labeled as techys a clever take on the word treckie the term for star trek fans. My few on electronics is simple there is always one that is greater than the others and one that sells more than the others never normally the same thing witch has to said is a shame. But on reflection I would actually rather be buying pointless stuff with friends in town than being all alone at home with a new gadget I can't win.

To me a Sunday is the day of rest a lazy day to recover one from the activities of Saturday a wind down before restarting for school on the Monday. A day for big dinners, being old fashioned and staying at home with family, or going out. But all in all Sundays are generally for being lazy. I used to like walking into town Sundays even though no decent shops open it just seemed calmer and quieter like an arctic village or a sleepy Cotswold hamlet. I guess I'm just impressed at the transition between Saturday and Sunday. A day in the life of me it's not really that bad. I suppose.

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