MARRIAGE AND FAMILIES CHAPTER 4

INVOLVEMENT
MEETING AND FINDING A PARTNER
***COURTSHIP
THE PROCESS BY WHICH A COMMITMENT TO MARRIAGE IS DEVELOPED.
ARRANGED MARRIAGES
WERE PARTNERS ARE DETERMINED, NOT BY THE BRIDE AND GROOM THEMSELVES, BUT BY THEIR FAMILIES.
***BLIND MARRIAGE
A MARRIAGE IN WHICH NEITHERPARTNER SAW THE OTHER UNTIL THEIR WEDDING DAY.
BRIDE-PRICE
A MAN MUST PAY MONEY OR PROPERTY TO THE FUTURE BRIDE’S FAMILY FOR THE RIGHT TO MARRY HER.
***DOWRY
THE MONEY, PROPERTY, OR GOOD A WOMAN BRINGS TO THE MARRIAGE
***ELOPE
RUN AWAY AND BE MARRIED SOMEWHERE ELSE.
FORCED MARRIAGE
MARRIAGE IN WHICH THE BRIDE, GROOM, OR BOTH ARE COERCED TO MARRY AGAINS THEIR WILL AND UNDER DURESS THAT INCLUDES BOTH PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PRESSURE.
***OPEN COURTSHIP SYSTEM
A SYSTEM IN WHICH MOST OF US GENERALLY MAKE OUR OWN DECISIONS ABOUT CHOOSING OUR PARTNERS.
A RELATIONSHIP MARKET
OR MARRIAGE MARKET–IN WHICH PROSPECTIVE PARTNERS COMPARE THE PERSONAL, SOCIAL, AND FINANCIAL RESOURCES OF ELIGIBLE MATES AND THEN BARGIN FOR THE BEST THEY CAN GET.
DATING
IS THE PROCESS OF MEETING PEOPLE SOCIALLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF POSSIBLY FORMING AN EXCLUSIVE LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.
SOCIALIZATION
IS THE PROCESS BY WHICH WE LEARN THE SKILLS WE NEED TO SURVIVE AS INDIVIDUALS ANDAS MEMBERS OF SOCIETY.
STATUS
IS SOCIAL RANKING, ORTHE PRESTIGE ATTACHED TO A PARTICULAR POSITION IN SOCIETY.
HOMOGAMY
THAT IS MARRIAGE BETWEEN PARTNERS OF SIMILAR EDUCATION AND SOCIAL CLASS, ETHNICITY, RACE, RELIGION, AND AGE.
***PROPINQUITY
THEIR NEARNESS TO YOU IN PLACE AND TIME.
***ENDOGAMY
THE CULTURAL EXPECTATION THAT A PERSON MARRIES WITHIN HIS OR HER OWN SOCIAL GROUP IN TERMS OF RACE, RELIGION, AND SOCIAL CLASS.
***EXOGAMY
TO MARRY OUTSIDE YOUR FAMILY GROUP AND NOT PRACTICE SEX WITH A SIBLING.
INCEST
SEXUAL RELATIONSBETWEEN PERSONS WHO ARE RELATED TO EACH OTHER.
***MARRIAGE SQUEEZE
ONE SEX HAS A MORE LIMITED POOL OF ELIGIBLE MARRIAGE CANDIDATES THAN THE OTHER.
MATING GRADIENT OR marriage gradient
REFERS TO THE TENDENCY FOR MEN TO MARRY DOWNWARD IN CLASS AND WOMEN TO MARRY UPWARD WITH RESPECT TO AGE, EDUCATION, AND OCCUPATIONAL SUCCESS.
Hypergamy
the tendency to marry upward in class
Hypogamy
the tendency to marry downward in class
OPEN FIELDS
ARE SETTINGS IN WHICH PEOPLE DO NOT NORMALLY INTERACT AND SO POTENTIAL PARTNERS ARE NOT LIKELY TO MEET.
CLOSED FIELDS
ARE SETTINGS IN WHICH PEOPLE ARE LIKELY TO INTERACT AND SO POTENTIAL PARTNERS MAY MEET.
BLIND DATE also known as a set up
IN WHICH A COMMON FRIEND OR RELATIVE INTRODUCES TWO SINGLES WHO ARE UNKNOWN TO EACH OTHER.
VIDEO DATING SERVICE
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WATCH VIDEOS OF OTHER TALKING AND IN VARIOUS ACTIVITIES IN RETURN FOR ALLOWING OTHERS TO WATCH YOUR VIDEO.
MARRIAGE BUREAUS
ARRANGE INTRODUCTIONS FOR A FEE.
MAIL-ORDER-BRIDES
AGENCIES PUBLISH PROFILES AND PHOTOS OF WOEMN MAINLY FOR THE BENEFIT OF AMERICAN MEN SEEKING WIVES.
***ENGAGEMENT
A PERIOD OF TIME THAT BEGINS WITH THE MARRIAGE PROPOSAL AND A FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT THAT THE COUPLE PLANS TO BE MARRIED.
HOOKING UP
IS DEFINED AS A PHYSICAL ENCOUNTER THAT ALLOWS POSSIBLE SEXUAL INTERACTION–RANGING FROM KISSING TO HAVING SEX WITHOUT COMMITMENT. Often called friends with benefits.
THE NEGLECT RESPONSE
IS A DESTRUCTIVE REACTION THAT TENDS TO OCCUR WHEN A PERSON IS NOT MUCH INVESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
THE EXIT KIND OF RESOLUTION
WITHDRAWING OR THREATENING TO WITHDRAW FROM A RELTIONSHIP.
THE LOYALTY KIND OF RESOLUTION
CONSISTS OF CHOOSING TO STAY WITH ONE’S PARTNER DESPITE ANY PROBLEMS BUT MAKING NO ATTEMPT TO TRY TO RESOLVE THEM, HOPING THAT THEY WILL SMOOTH OUT OVER TIME.
THE VOICE RESPONSE
IS THE CHOICE OF PEOPLE WHO VALUE THE RELATIONSHIP AND WHO ARE INVESTED IN IT BUT WHO FEEL THAT IT HAS PROBLEMS THAT NEED TO BE DISCUSSED.
Courtship: From Parental Decisions to the Relationship Marketplace
meeting and finding a partner. Before serial dating and living together became popular, involvement was known as courtship, the process by which a commitment to marriage is developed.
Courtship: From parental decisions to the relationship marketplace.
The closed courtship system: Arranged marriages
In times in the past, and in many cultures of today, courtship is a closed system: Arranged Marriages–were partners are determined not by the bride and groom themselves but by their families.
Types of arranged marriages
–Blind Marriage-found in China-marriage in which neither partner saw the other until the wedding day.
–Bride Price and Dowry-in some non-western nations, an arranged marriage involves a Bride price-a man must pay money or property to the future bride’s family for the right to marry her.. Alternatively the bride is required to provide a dowry-the money, property, or goods a woman brings to the marriage. A woman with a high value dowry is more sought after than one of a lesser dowry.
–Elopement–when for some reasons the couple run off and get married.
–Forced marriage-an extreme form of arranged marriage in which the bride, groom, or both are coerced to marry against their will and under duress that includes both physical and emotional pressure.
Courtship: From parental decisions to the relationship marketplace.
The Open Courtship System: The Relationship Marketplace
–People Seeking a Traditional Partnership–among people seeking traditional marriage partners, men might use their superior position in the economic system to offer financial security and status; women offer cooking skills and other domestic skills.
–People Seeking an Egalitarian Partnership–an arrangement in which both partners play similar roles. This includes income potential, educational and social status, emotional support, sexual accessibility, and mutual willingness to share child-care and domestic responsibilities.
THE FUNCTIONS OF DATING
Dating is the process of meeting people socially for the purpose of possible forming an exclusive long-term relationship.
DATING HAS A LEAST 6 FUNCTIONS
1. Recreation
2. Companionship
3. Intimacy and sex
4. Mate selection
5. Socialization
6. Status achievement
Function of dating-recreation
–dating is supposed to be fun
Function of dating-companionship
–dating is a way of maintaining a friendship or friendships and of avoiding isolation
Function of dating-intimacy and sex
–depending on age a person may date to find romantic intimacy or sexual intimacy. Many teenagers discover sex and sexuality in the course of dating.
Function of dating-mate selection
–for many an important goal of dating is finding a mate. The more both partners in a dating relationship believe that it might lead to marriage, the more stable that relationship is.
Function of dating-socialization
–socialization is the process by which we learn the skills we need to survive as individuals and as members of society.
–When we reach puberty, dating helps socialize us to get along with members of the opposite sex.
Function of dating-status achievement
–status is social ranking, or the prestige attached to a particular position in society.
–for those coming into adolescence, dating enhances a person’s status by showing others that he or she is more acceptable, more desirable, more grown up. this is especially so if one dates someone that is popular.
IS DATING A FILTERING PROCESS
Some scholars believe that dating is a process of filtering out possible partners for the purpose of achieving homogamy-that is, marriage between partners of similar education and social class, ethnicity, race, religion, and age.
TYPES OF FILTERING: PROPINQUITY, ENDOGAMY, EXOGAMY
PROPINQUITY–people who are nearby
ENDOGAMY–people of the same social group
EXOGAMY–people outside the family group
FACTORS AFFECTING ELIGIBILITY/AVAILABILITY: RACE, AGE, CLASS, RELIGION
RACE–interracial dating
AGE–the marriage squeeze
SOCIAL CLASS–mating gradient
RELIGION
Finding a Partner: The Likely Eligibles
Besides personality characteristics, the most important elements encouraging partners to seek each other out and marry are residential propinquity, physical attractiveness, race and ethnicity,religion, socioeconomic status, and age.
RESIDENTIAL PROPINQUITY
New York and New Mexico?
Most of us choose partners from a limited geographical area–“residential propinquity.” That is, you are less likely to meet people who live far away from you.
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
Beauty and the beast
People tent to select partners whose physical attractiveness resembles their own. Physically attractive people are assumed to have other beneficial characteristics, such as sensitivity and good character.
RACE AND ETHNICITY
Asian and Cajun?
In 1997, about 97% of marriages were of partners from the same race, although interracial marriages are increasing. Intermarriage between ethnic groups is also increasing.
RELIGION
Baptist and Buddhist?
Despite opposition from most traditional religions, interreligious dating and marriage have increased–40% of Jews marry outside their faith and about 50% of Catholics do.
SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS (Class)
Prince and Pauper?
Most people choose partners from within their social class, who share similar educational background and attitudes. However, women sometimes marry up and men sometimes marry down.
AGE
16 and 60?
Americans tend to marry partners within the same age range, with in heterosexual couples the man generally being two to 3 years older than the woman. with large age differences, there are apt to be generational differences, such preferences about music, child rearing, and values.
FACTORS AFFECTING ELIGIBILITY/AVAILABILITY: RACE, AGE, CLASS, RELIGION
One Dating Model:
A three-stage filtering process: stimulus-values-roles
–Filtering Stage 1–Stimulus
–Filtering Stage 2–Values
–Filtering Stage 3–Roles
Filtering stage 1 stimulus
The first stage involves physical attraction. if no attraction this is the first filtering stage.
Filtering stage 2 values
In the second stage, the 2 people compare their individual values to determine whether they are compatible–exp-agreement on personal ambition, child raising, political views. If they disagree filtered out
Filtering stage 3 Roles
In the third stage, the two negotiate role compatibility. exp-how they will handle work, housekeeping, and leisure arrangements. If the disagree, filtered out
FACTORS AFFECTING ELIGIBILITY/AVAILABILITY: RACE, AGE, CLASS, RELIGION
Another Dating Model: Is Commitment Relationship Driven or Event Driven?
–The Relationship-Driven Couple–some couples go through filtering or relationship-driven process, with two growing in their commitment as they sort out their mutual preferences, values, goals, and roles.
–The Event-Driven Couple–Other couples go through an event-driven process–the partners swing back and forth between commitment and ambivalence, often quite dramatically. They may have fights, separate, get back together. In the long run, this sort of process may lead to a less positive outcome for the relationship.
Close Dating Relationships and Personal Growth
Does dating contribute to one’s personal growth? One study say’s it does.
–using the definition that growth is an individual’s perception of becoming closer to their ideals, the authors hypothesized that the more the partner loves an individual, the more growth the individual will subsequently experience. The study examined the growth that occurred during dating relationships over a 5 month period, on the assumption that dating relationships may be influential to an individual’s life.
The study concluded that the supportive assistance that individuals received from their dating partners and the love the partners reported for them indeed predict the growth that the individuals later experienced.
Four ways of meeting people
personal introductions
classified ads
meeting online
introduction services
Among the variations in dating are
traditional courtship
hanging out
hooking up
being joined at the hip
dating in the workplace
second-time-around dating.
FINDING A PARTNER AMID MASSES OF PEOPLE:
–Open fields: Interaction Unlikely
–Closed fields: Interaction Likely
From the sea of humanity, how do you single out those who might make romantic partners? How do they become available to you? One way to analyze this is to distinguish between open and closed fields
Open Fields: Interaction Unlikely
Open fields are settings in which people do not normally interact and so potential partners are not likely to meet. Examples are large university campuses, shopping malls, airports, athletic events, amusement parks. Because such pools of people are so large and anonymous, they discourage potential partners from meeting.
Closed Fields: Interaction Likely
Closed fields are settings in which people are likely to interact and so potential partners may meet. University classes, parties, church groups, dormitories, friend’s homes, and small workplace settings.
MEETING PEOPLE
People meet people in all kinds of ways, however, today they might rely less on chance and more on rational means of meeting prospective partners-with a view toward reducing negative outcomes such as divorce and breakups.
FOUR METHODS OF MEETING PEOPLE
1. Personal introductions
2. Classified ads
3. Meeting online
4. Introduction services
Personal Introductions
A personal introduction by a third person might be considered the best way to meet because it suggests that someone already finds the pair perhaps compatible.
A classic form is the blind date.
Classified Ads
Besides permitting anonymity, the benefits of classified ads are that they save time and can expose one to numerous partners. Personal ads have at least two important characteristics. Women as sex objects and men as success objects.
Women as sex objects
Men, who are twice as apt as women to place personal ads, tend to emphasize appearance and attractiveness in the women they seek.
Men as success objects
Women are more apt to say that they are looking for men who are intelligent, professional, college-educated, and so on, while also stressing sensitivity and caring.
***METHODS OF MEETING PEOPLE
Meeting on line
Relationship websites take personal classified ads to another level by offering an opportunity to meet friends or partners online. There are two principle types of relationship or dating websites:
online websites
social networking websites
Online Dating Websites
provide electronic forums that people may join in hopes of meeting compatible potential mates. Most dating sites charge a fee, are specialty sites, as for people of different political persuasions, religious beliefs, gays, African American, Asian’s, Hispanics, Farmers, Mature adults. There are also adult dating sites that help users find on-night stands, swinger parties etc. Then there are niche dating sites for smokers, vegetarians, dog lovers etc.
Social Networking Websites
are specifically designed for finding dates, but that is how they are being used. These websites let people build personal webpages to express their interests and display their personality.
Social Networking Websites
Advantages
–can expose one to a wide variety of potential partners
–good for those who live in isolated circumstances
–communication can be minimal before one needs to decide whether to continue or not.
–you can get to know someone for qualities other than looks
Social Networking Websites
Disadvantages
–unless the two use webcam or video chat you do not have the nonverbal communication that can tell a lot about a person.
–people tend to exaggerate
–you might hit it off with someone who lives far away
–can be dangerous
METHODS OF MEETING PEOPLE
Introduction Services
Introduction services do much the same thing as print and internet dating ads, they, for a fee, introduce people to each other. Variants of introduction services are video dating, marriage bureau, and mail-order bride services.
Video Dating Services
here you are allowed to watch videos of other talking and in various activities in return for allowing others to watch your video.
Marriage Bureaus
arrange introductions for a fee. These are more popular in other countries.
Mail-Order Brides
they publish profiles and photos of women mainly for the benefit of American men seeking wives.
DEALING WITH PRINT AND ONLINE RELATIONSHIP ADS: ANONYMITY, INTIMACY AND SAFETY
–Protect your identity until you’re ready to reveal it.
–Start slowly, exercise caution, and let others earn your trust.
–Ask for a photo
–Talk on the phone
–If necessary, use verification services
If you finally meet
–Listen to your instincts
–Meet somewhere safe
VARIATIONS IN DATING
–Traditional Courtship: From Dating to Engagement
–On campus Today: Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Joined at the Hip.
–Dating in the Workplace
–Second-Time-Around Dating
VARIATIONS IN DATING
–Traditional Courtship: From Dating to Engagement
Dating-going steady-engagement-marriage
Engagement–the period of time that begins with the marriage proposal and a formal announcement that the couple plans to be married. They average 12 to 16 months in duration.
Sign of Commitment–when you become engaged now you set the date, and arrange the wedding.
Preparing to Expand Family ties–engagement means that you and your partner are signaling your intentions to expand your kinship circle.
VARIATIONS IN DATING
–On campus Today: Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Joined at the Hip, long-distance dating.
Among college-age men and women, the idea of going steady, becoming engaged, and getting married seems to be virtually archaic. There is no true courtship today, the date is all but dead. Instead what is happening is ‘hanging out”, “hooking up”, or “joined at the hip”, with little in between. And then there is long-distance dating.
Hanging out
–spending time in unstructured groups together
–also called pack dating, students socialize in un-partnered groups.
Hooking up
–is defined as a physical encounter that allows possible sexual interaction ranging from kissing to have sex without commitment.
–often called “friends with benefits”
–Marc Regnerus suggest that hooking up is the result of 3 trends:
1. more women than men on campus
2. a more sexual society
3. a reluctance to make relationship commitments.
–The women competing with each other for access to the men.
***Joined at the hip
–also called the college marriage
–opposite of hooking up, couples do everything with each other.
Long-distance dating
–one study found that as many as half of college students are in long-distance dating. About 1/3 of these relationships end within 3 months of moving to the same town, perhaps because of the loss of autonomy each once had.
VARIATIONS IN DATING
–Dating in the Workplace
Americans work an average of 47 hour per week, often in work teams and on joint projects, which provides more opportunity for office dating. Some firms take the position that office romances are none of their business unless they occur between supervisors and their employees, where sexual harassment issue may arise.
VARIATIONS IN DATING
–Second-Time-Around Dating
–For the single parent, the divorced, the widowed, and singles over age 65 dating has special challenges, especially if the person has children.
COURTIN?
Unlike the more structured dating and engagement patterns of past generations, the relationship of college students today range from the casually intimate (hooking up) to unstructured handing out to the seriously attached (joined at the hip).
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Which gender more readily falls in love?–men
Which gender falls out of love?–female
It speculated that one reason is that women are more sensitive than men about relationship’s emotional nuances, such as rapport. Because they have higher standards on what they feel love should be, they are quicker to breakup a relationship.
Reasons couples break up
–can range from boredom to betrayal, from geographic separation to parental pressure, from meeting someone new to returning to an old lover.
–for college students one study found “too many differences/different values, followed by cheating and dishonesty.
How breakups occur during the course of a year
–most are announced on Mondays
–right before spring break
–right before Christmas
–at the beginning of summer
with this study the reasons they gave for the breakups
lost interest; cheating; distance; nonapproval of parents/friends; complicated
FOUR WAYS OF REACTING TO A DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIP CARYL RUSBULT’S EXIT-VOICE-LOYALTY-NEGLECT MODEL
–The Neglect Response: “Just Let the Relationship Go Ahead and Fall Apart.”
–The Exit Response: “We Have to End Our Relationship”
–The Loyalty Response: “Let’s Just Stick It Out Despite Any Difficulties”
–The Voice Response: “We Need to Talk about Improving Our Relationship”
***FOUR WAYS OF REACTING TO A DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIP
–The Neglect Response: “Just Let the Relationship Go Ahead and Fall Apart.”
The most immature
–The neglect response is a destructive reaction that tends to occur when a person is not much invested in the relationship, doesn’t want to deal with any problems in it, and is willing to let the partnership simply wither away.
–This is more typical with men
–starts with chronic complaints, frequent criticism, refusal to discuss difficulties, and spending less time with the partner until the relationship dies.
***FOUR WAYS OF REACTING TO A DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIP
–The Exit Response: “We Have to End Our Relationship”
–The exit kind of resolution–withdrawing or threatening to withdraw from a relationship.
–Tends to happen with young people who have been involved for only a short period of time.
–It’s often the choice of those who are dissatisfied with or are only minimally invested in a relationship.
FOUR WAYS OF REACTING TO A DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIP
–The Loyalty Response: “Let’s Just Stick It Out Despite Any Difficulties”
This is a passive but constructive response
–The loyalty kind of resolution consists of choosing to stay with one’s partner despite any problems but making no attempt to try to resolve them, hoping that they will smooth out over time.
–Often the response favored by older people who have been together a long time, and it is also often more the choice of females than of males.
***FOUR WAYS OF REACTING TO A DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIP
–The Voice Response: “We Need to Talk about Improving Our Relationship”
The most mature approach to dealing with relationship problems
–The voice response is the choice of people who value the relationship and who are invested in it but who feel that it has problems that need to be discussed. The response seems to indicate a willingness to change things about the relationship–one’s own behavior; the partner’s behavior, or both.
–used by females more than males
–is an active, constructive response
–It can lead to talking, seeking compromises, going for counseling, and trying to change oneself or the partner
ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
–The rejections that often accompanies romantic heartbreak can activate the same regions of the brain that are activated when people experience physical pain.
–The process of falling out of love is equally as natural as that of falling in love.
–For some, the painful breakup of a love relationship can led to what is called as “loved addiction,” when a person obsessively seeks to regain the pleasurable state that existed when in love.
–The distrust, feelings of rejection, loss of self-worth, and feelings of failure, loss and anger in the emotionally hurt person are all feelings that must be dealt with.
–Those that overestimated how badly they would feel are those who felt more in love and less likely to jump into a new relationship .
ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
If Your Partner Breaks Up with You
Rejection, is there anything worse than the pain that stems from being rejected by someone you love? How do you get over it?
If you are the one being let down, don’t spend a lot of time speculating about why. Put distance between yourself and the other and consider the following:
–Can you accept that the pain of rejection is natural?
–What steps can you take to stop thoughts about the other person?
–What can you do to raise your self esteem
ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
If You Break Up with Your Partner
You may think that it would be easier to be the one who initiates the termination of a relationship, but it’s almost as difficult as being on the receiving end. Be gentle and honest, don’t promise to try to “work it out”.
Some questions to consider
–Are you really sure you want to break up–that the relationship can’t be improved?
–Can you be honest and accept that your partner will be hurt?
–Can you put off “just being friends” and terminate the relationship completely.
***EACH YEAR, APPROXIMATELY HOW MANY AMERICANS ENTER INTO A ROMANCE WITH A FELLOW EMPLOYEE?
10 MILLION
***IN A ________, MOST PEOPLE GENERALLY MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS WHEN CHOOSING PARTNERS
OPEN COURTSHIP SYSTEM
***FILTERING MATE SELECTION BASED ON THEIR NEARNESS TO YOU IN PLACE AND TIME IS
PROPINQUITY